Putting Back Pieces

I used to be a professional pianist. I also played french horn in the symphony. I guess I was pretty good because it was always fun and always easy. I got a few awards and was included in some pretty awesome groups. But one thing that became clear fairly early on, is that in order for a musician or an artist to create in the most pure of forms, a certain degree of stability is required in the life. And when you are young, you are not really in control of anything, in the home or out. Sure you have responsibilities, but things just flow day by day, and if you do not have support and encouragement, or if in the alternative, you are indeed being smothered in unnecessary drama and turmoil, then creating, or playing music is somehow ruined. What comes out is anguish, angst and sad melodies. Brash swipes of the paint brush in dark colors sometimes with shocking images in red.

All my life all I ever dreamed of was having a home, a joyful and happy home, and of course, a couple of horses. So over the span of this lifetime so far, I have collected lots of books, magazines and videos to learn construction, renovation, repairs and of course, as much education by Pat and Linda Parelli as I can possibly take in, for natural horse-man-ship. Actually, right at this time of my life, at 58 years happy this March, my thirteen year long roommate Jim has left the building. As I look around at what is left behind… it is shocking truly. That I could have let things go so far, could have been so blind to the depression and stagnation that was on-going for so very long is so very compelling. We were never married or even close like that, but as friends, I was drawn into his daily drama and as his health began to deteriorate, my life was going down the tubes as well.

I started this blog, “In the Life and Mind of an Artist” because I have nothing but admiration for those gifted people who work so hard to give of themselves to others, to inspire us with their artful creations. And just as I was about to launch into some serious research and writing for three very wonderful and different artists, my life here at home began to unravel. At that time I had begun to pray to my Creator every day and began to see myself as “walking a sacred path.” I was completely clean of any drugs or medications. No sodas, meat, sugar or salt. It was probably the roughest month of my entire life, but it helped me to wake up, look around and see a little harsh reality for a change. As Cesar Millan advocates, I set certain rules, boundaries and limitations, and my old friend Jim was not happy. He did not accept my proposals for evolving, nor could he even face his own issues, and I feel bad to say that clearly he is continuing forward dragging the same old river of denial right along with him, as always.

Back here at home, it is quite shocking. I venture to say that there are very few people indeed that could even imagine the challenges I am facing. Perhaps if you imagine what living in an undeveloped nation might be like, that would give you a clue. I cannot explain why it just ran on and on. I asked for help, I bargained for help, but most of the time I was complacent rather than start any drama. But once I was free of my medication (my blanketed mind), I looked around and went “No way! This is not my beautiful home, and this is not my beautiful life!” hahaha

It is absolutely true what they say. When you clear away debris, whether it is a toxic relationship, a cluttered desk, a back yard that needs mowing, or perhaps a kitchen that requires an update, when you take on these adventures yourself, and you clean up your own mess, you take full responsibility for the condition of things instead of sulking and drowning in depression, and you get up with purpose and joy that you are even alive, all manner of amazing and wonderful new doors just seem to open magically, and you wonder how you could have been so isolated for so long. At least that is my take on things for now…

Life is a give and take process. I have a very cute little picture of a sweet yellow and white cat holding her nose up to a flower and it says “Take only what you need, and leave the rest.” I just love that little picture. It suits my whole philosophy of life perfectly. Today a new friend named Wayne drove over to my farm, and he and I took down all the numbers off the central heat/air unit in my house (not quite a home yet), because I do not want it. It costs far too much to run when the Texas desert heat kicks in, and over six months or more, soon all you can do is barely keep up with the electric bill. I much prefer the old grandma way of using window units in the window of each room. It makes me feel all vintage and cute! Plus my bill is certainly more reasonable.

When I was just a girl, and I would stay with my grandparents in the summer, there was no air conditioning used. In fact, I don’t even remember them having fans. I could be wrong about that part, but I know the day would wear on and the temps inside the dining room were like an inferno. But every evening, rain or shine, my grandmother and grandfather would migrate into their living room, every one would sit down, they would close the beautiful french doors and turn on the only window unit air conditioner. It would get so nice and chilly in there it was divine. They would watch the news, and then at six o’clock, you know it, the bubble man, The Lawrence Welk Show. I know, wow.

Well, back to the present day, I offered my new friend, Wayne, to come and remove this cooling and heating system and for him to sell it, as he is a true horse-trader at heart, although he is from California… hahaha. He came today, we turned it on, checked it out, and he wrote down all the numbers. Now he is going to call his people in the business and find out its worth. He will secure a deal, if anyone can, and all I will have to do now, is sit back and enjoy the show! I have no idea what it is worth, but I know the man who came out and put the system together charged over $800 just to make it work. So I figured it might turn a little coin. I asked my friend for $100 and to get it out for me. When he showed up today, he asked me to come out to his truck and help him bring in some things. This amazing kind-hearted man had brought me bag after sack after box of food supplies, even kitty crunchies and doggie bones. Unbelievable. I was truly sweating the next two weeks. Now I am not. Give and take. Only what you need. It was so cool, because as he was leaving, he asked me please, if there was anything I did not want or need, to please take it and give it to someone who might. Isn’t that just the most wonderful kindest man on Earth? I certainly think so. I have no hardship now. I will be fine, and all my 4-legged crew as well!

Yesterday, I had a bit of a meltdown. Back on my anti-depression medication to stable out, as I am a diagnosed bipolar, and being so “clean” this medicine hit me like a ton of bricks. If I have ever experienced a full blown panic attack, that was on the order of what happened immediately upon waking Monday morning. I immediately sent out the distress signal to my best buddies, my newest friend Wayne was first, and his advice was eat some salty crackers, which of course I did, like some shaking cracker-junkie – hahaha. Wondering what manner of hell this was, I called upon the lovely and always inspiring Donkey Whisperer, Melody Johnson, and just as expected, she came with bells on. Luckily I managed to get through the episode initially with the help of a long phone call with a dear woman who also lives in Washington state, but more closely to the Canadian border, I believe. I had been very rude and nasty to her one day, as I was trying to work for another woman on a court case, and I couldn’t seem to disconnect our chat session. There is no excuse for rudeness, no matter what the situation. And guess what? She was only more than willing to respond to my plea for help and hold my hand until I felt human again. Luckily for me, she forgave me, and I was able to learn a very great lesson in life. This is the second time this woman has surprised and changed me, most unexpectedly, I might add. Live and learn.

So today, Miss Melody has nominated me for a WordPress Family Award. She has asked me to place the award here on my blog. I must say I am very honored. It has brought me back to the very reason I started the blog in the first place. And as I pace myself, putting back the pieces of my life, I can now have the inspiration to come back to the new blog and begin my writing, so I can introduce you to some wonderful and truly amazing artists, from many places and many mediums of expression. This is not so much like my other two previous blogs, that seemed to jump around from the odd piece of prose or story-telling, to the deep and dramatic coming awareness of our changing times. This new blog is going to be light and fresh and telling the story of beautiful people who somehow find the stability and inspiration to create art. In my mind art takes many forms, and is the highest expression of being human. I hope in days to come, you will drop by and I will have something lovely and amazing to show you, as I introduce you to beautiful people who inspire me to keep going, keep creating and keep chasing my bliss. It is our right to be happy. All of us!

mel award

Melody Johnson, The Donkey Whisperer, was the person who nominated me for this award, and I am both humbled and honored. I am going to go forward and publish what I have here so far, but in the hours to come, I am also going to pass on the happiness to some of my favorite bloggers as well, and at that time, I will post their links below. So check back tomorrow, if you want to know the bloggers who inspire me, each and every time I come to WordPress. Peace!

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2 thoughts on “Putting Back Pieces

  1. I am glad for you – you sound as if your decisions were bringing peace – and a whole host of new opportunities.

    It is too bad that sometimes when we change, our old lives can’t adjust. It is too bad your friend couldn’t see your changes as good and be inspired by them, but that was what happened now.

    Be safe and at peace – you are doing what sound right for you.

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